It's Been a Long Time

I don't know why I have neglected my writing for so long. It's therapeutic for me and helps me to formulate complete thoughts. My head is always such a mess. I've moved a couple of times since the last time I was here. I'm loving the new house. Stay tuned for more frequent updates.

Charlie and the Fish Sandwich

I just ate leftover fish...on a sandwich. My cat YOWLED at me the entire time I was heating, assembling, and consuming said sandwich. He is now sitting with his back to me (which he NEVER does) as if to say, "I didn't want your fish anyway!" Should I give him a piece?

What I really think about that guy..

He's a con artist. He's cunningly charming, well read and educated, and can talk about religion, public policy, literature, art, music, and academia with the best of the best. Unfortunately, it's a foul misuse of his talent. He's a cultured worm; a delicious, but indigestible, meal of rich foods fed to poor and poverty stricken mouths. Detestable drunkard moron!

My Wish List

1. Vaccuum Cleaner ( a really really small one)
2. Professional Mani/Pedi
3. TV & DVD Player
4. Fall dresses that fit
5. New makeup
6. Ruby Slippers
7. A job I like going to every day

Rethinking Recent Rhetoric

The first thought:
Do you really think that just because you used your words to intimidate, manipulate, and imply, that it suddenly makes whatever you've said the truth? I think not. The truth is the truth and your manipulation is scandalous. I hope the rock you lay your head on at night is soft.

The second thought:
.....(I said a lot here, but I don't want to make you mad so I deleted it.)....

The third thought:
Don't come to me when you realize I'm right unless it's to apologize for being rude.

The fourth thought:
Thank you Officer Juntz & Judge Morrison for your leniency today in a City of Charleston courtroom. You're very nice, too.

The fifth thought:
Thank you for walking me home. You don't know how much I appreciate your friendship.

The sixth thought:
You're a good friend. I miss you terribly. Thank you for your help recently. Please come visit as soon as you're able.

The seventh thought:
No, I don't want to hang out with you. Yes, I think you're creepy.

The eighth thought:
The bus is really not so bad. I promise. I'll ride with you the first few times if you want.

The ninth thought:
Should I donate plasma?

Friday Morning

I have a job, but, I may as well be completely unemployed, because I don't actually get to WORK there very often. So, I'm looking for a job. Is anyone hiring? Or well connected to someone who is? I'm not very picky about what I do. I just need to make a little money so I can keep myself up. I'm willing to work part-time. I'm willing to get dirty. I just need to be working. For the moment, I'm broke, depressed, and bored. Y'all help a girl out!

Today...

Cooking rice. Making coffee. Washing dishes. Putting away laundry. Helping a friend. Retrieving and reading the mail. Making plans for next week. Getting ready for school to start back. Going down the street now...

"That's just the way I am"

Do you believe that saying, "that's just the way I am", entitles you to behave in any manner you choose without consequences. Do you expect that saying that will keep your words and actions from being hurtful to others? No matter how you are or how you've always been, the mentality that it's "just the way you are" is not an excuse for your behavior. The time has come for you to own up to your own mistakes, deal with your own problems, and take responsibility for yourself, your words, and your actions. There is nothing that says that the way you are is the way you must be. On the contrary, you claim to know Christ. You claim to be a child of the King of Kings. Therefore, you should be DIFFERENT from how you've always been. I'll start with the simplest thing I can think of. Scripture says that the fruits of the spirit (signs that show us that the Holy Spirit is dwelling within us) are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Are your words and actions loving? Or, are they seeking to satisfy your own selfish desires? Are you joyful or are you miserable? Are you at peace? Do you seek peace? Or are you always trying to keep someone fighting? Are you patient? Or are you demanding? Do you pout when you don't get your way immediately? Do you show kindness to everyone? Or do you say and do hurtful things to others to make yourself feel superior? Are you good? None of us are good without Christ. Are you faithful in anything? Are you gentle? Or are you harsh and unyielding? Are you approachable? Or do people hide from you or fear you? Do you have self-control? Do you over indulge food or drink? Are you a drunk? What about sexual purity? Do you abstain from sex with anyone besides your husband or wife? Or do you continually and habitually just do what satisfies your own selfish desires? If you do know Christ and are a child of the King of Kings, then most of these should show up in most of your life. If they don't, perhaps it's time to sit down and take a second look at why you believe you know Christ. Scripture instructs us to examine ourselves to see if we are of the faith. Are you really a child of the King of Kings? If you are, do you still think it's ok for you to excuse your behavior and words with, "It's just the way I am!"?

Time to Refresh

It's time to reevaluate. I'm sorry that I let someone else stifle my desire to share my thoughts with you. Finally, today, I think that chapter is finally over. Almost a year to the date that this nightmare of mine began, it is coming to an end. I struggle, but I stand on my own two feet. I fight, but I make it work. I live in a city I love. I miss my family and friends. I miss my church. I must visit my family and friends as much as possible. They are all invited to visit me anytime they wish. I must find a new church home. I don't want to. It's hard. I don't like going alone. I've done it before, but it's not what I want. I know it's what I must do anyway. I am thankful that I am a child of the Almighty God and because I'm His child, he forgives me when I stray and welcomes me back with open arms when I cry out to Him. On Monday, I will start a new semester of classes at Trident Technical College. I have to focus on that. Some days, I do nothing all day long but sit in my house and be sad. Those days have to end. I will find a new church. I will surround myself with positive and loving people. I will leave the past behind. I will continue to talk to you about what's going on in my life...

When Everything Comes to A Head

I'm sitting in my house and wondering why I give when I have nothing left and why I trust when I should know so much better. It's the day before Thanksgiving. I hate the holidays. For the last several years they have been lonely and filled with nothing but pain for me. I don't always know what's going to trigger the breakdown, but I hate the holidays. Tonight, it's a fight with someone I love. What do you do when you're lied to? I tried confrontation...and they ran. There is no resolve, there is just more heart breaking and gut wrenching pain. I have been left in an awful bind because I trusted them to keep their word. I have no idea how I'm going to pick up the pieces and get through the next several weeks.

My Older Blog Posts ( I think I even mixed up the order)

Monday, August 22, 2005
My First Blog Current mood: grateful
I never cease to be amazed at how God works things together for His own Glory! He teaches me something new every day. He answers prayers. He shows mercy and grace when I don't deserve it. He strengthens relastionships that are weak. He builds new ones that we need. And He provides healing for those that are broken. He truly is our wonderful, merciful Saviour, our precious redeemer and friend, our counselor, our comforter, our Almighty Father. Praise Him for He is Worthy of all our Praise!


Saturday, August 27, 2005
grrrr........ Current mood: infuriated
It is totally unacceptable to being seriously seeing more than one person at a time, even if they ARE in different states. You have to pick one or the other. I know you see security and stability in both of them. They would both be more than able to support you. Maybe they'd both be good husbands and fathers They both care about you . They both give you attention. But it's not fair to either one of them for you not to pick. You know you're doing wrong by them both. Please please please don't let this go on any longer. Make your decision and stick by it. Don't risk having to live a lie your whole life by saying you're something you're not just to get what you think you want. Because if you have to lie about what you really are to get it, then it will make you miserable once you have it. If you can't give him your undivided attention and leave the other guy out of it, then you don't need to make him believe that you want him. If you love either of them at all, you need to make a decision between them so that neither of them is hurt any worse than they already are. Let one of them go, and if you don't know what you want, then let them both go until you do. Get off the merry-go-round, because it's not fun to ride after you're already sick.


Sunday, August 28, 2005
finding rest and peace for your soul Current mood: calm
Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

Sunday, September 04, 2005
i can get through just one more day Current mood: contemplative
Ok, so, I'm not gonna go off again tonight about choosing and all that. I mean, I think you should before you hurt somebody, but at the same time, I have other stuff to talk about. Can we talk about waiting? I mean, I know that God is in total control of every detail of my life and that everything that's meant to be in my life will happen when He says it's time. But, at the same time, I am still impatient and I want what I want when I want it. I suppose that even the waiting is sanctifying me. I just pray that I'll be glorifying to God, even in the waiting.



Wednesday, March 22, 2006
and the road goes on....... Current mood: annoyed
Well, I think I might have stolen my subject line from one of my friends, but I don't know which one. So, if you read this..and that's your line, you can feel free to let me know about it.
Sometimes, like right now, I just feel the need to say things as they cross my mind.
I "broke up" with a "friend" this week. Does that make any sense at all? He got upset because I talked about a guy. He kept saying we were just friends, so I can talk about a guy, right? So,now, we aren't talking to each other? This makes SO MUCH sense.
I'm tired. I didn't get off work til at least 6 every night so far this week and today is Wednesday.The people I work with are in a bad mood when they're busy and that annoys me. Everybody makes fun of me because I have a hick country accent and it's worse when I pick up the phone and say " Goood Aafterrnooon, Thaank yoou for caallin' Uhupstaate Surrgicul Assoshiates, this is Kari, How Can I Help You? I can't even begin to make you understand! LOL! I even laugh at me.
Anyway, so back to this whole issue of breaking up with friends. Who ever heard of such a thing? I liked him fine and good. I talked to him almost every day, but I saw him three times in six months. He got mad when I brought that up, too. Finally, he said, If I wanted to see you more, I would. Then, I'm thinking, why on earth have you bothered to talk to me nearly every day for six months if you don't want to see me. That don't make NO sense. He says I've "still" got a thing for the guy I used to have a thing for just because the guy is still in my life. And while it may be true that I carry a flame for him, it shouldn't matter to this guy. Especially since he claims that we're just friends and that's all he ever wants...only he don't want to see me. Who don't want to see their friends. Whatever! I finally told him that I never wanted to call him if he didn't want to talk to me and I didn't want to see him if he didn't want to see me.
Anyway. I guess I'm just ready for bed. I think I'll put on a little Norah Jones and drift off to dream.


Thursday, March 16, 2006
how do i say?
Sometimes.......when the night gets long and there's no one for me to run to, I just don't feel like I can take it anymore. I sit down and I begin to write and no matter what comes out or lands on the page, it's never adequate to say the way that I feel. I don't think the feeling has proper words. I can feel the tears welled in my eyes but the drops never fall, I can feel the air catch in my chest, and no sound ever comes out. I feel my heart sink and my stomach wrench. My knees draw toward my chest and my hands toward my face almost without effort. And there is no one there to wrap their arms around me and tell me that I don't have to feel this way or that it's ok to feel this way. There is nothing ...only darkness and silence. I feel the first tear fall........


and on and on and on Current mood: still..on the verge of tears
I might be repeating things I've said before, but in the end it doesn't even matter. Sometimes I feel completely alone in the universe. I feel lonely when i'm surrounded by people, I want to be held and there's no one there. Sometimes it feels like life is filled with "fillers". Like nothing is really real and everything is just junk. How do you clean it up to see what's left? Maybe I'm scared to find out what's left? Maybe without all the "fillers" there'd be nothing anyway and it wouldn't matter. I could just go to bed and never get up again. Right now, it feels like no matter what I do, no one notices. I could leave today and be gone for months before anyone would notice I was missing.


st patrick's day Current mood: verge of tears
I used to love this John Mayer song called St. Patrick's day. It talked about how you can't break up at Christmas and you'll keep your love til Valentine's day ...yada yada. Anyway...apparently on St Patrick's day...all bets are off. I apparrently have ticked off most of the people I talk to on a regular basis. I don't have a clue what I did. Wait, yes I do. I said the wrong person's name in front of one of them. It just makes no freekin sense to me. I do everything I know to do to be a good friend and still I somehow screw up every good thing. Or at least everything that seems good. Screw it........


Monday, January 02, 2006
what do i do when i don't know what to do Current mood: determined
I know it's been forever since I posted anything here. I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I've had a lot of things happenning to me lately. It seemed to be one thing right after another. I had stitches in my thumb, then the next week, I had all my wisdom teeth removed. OUCH! That was the week of Thanksgiving. Then we had ICE the week before Christmas and I fell down the front steps and bruised my back and strained some ligaments and stuff. OUCH! Again! I did my best not to complain about it, but it's hard not to complain sometimes. Lately, everything has been about my sanctification. About having patience with people when they're sufferring and trying to support and comfort them. About having compassion and understanding that not everyone understands God's truth and how to make decisions based on it. It can be so frustrating. I also have to learn how to be firm but kind when I'm dealing with people. I have a tendency to pitch fits instead of dealing with things the way that I should and I know that's not the right way to handle things either. I know God is using all these things to change me and to make me more like He wants me to be. But these things are painful because I don't like to change. I am thankful for the trials and pain because it gives me assurance that I am God's child and He is changing me. It also reminds me of the hope of eternity in the presence of the Holy God! I had a child in my Sunday School class draw a picture for me and on it she wrote " The Holy God is Upon Us" . I couldn't help but smile and cry at the same time at the understanding that God gives His children. All to the praise of His Glorious Grace!



Sunday, October 16, 2005
sorry it's been so long
I know I haven't been here for a while, but for those of you who are keeping up with me, you pretty much know what's happening anyway. I have the best friends in the whole world. Sometimes I get really upset with them and they make me cry and stuff like that, but in the end, they really are awesome. They are always there for me when I really need them. I couldn't ask for better ones! Thanks to any of you who helped me celebrate hitting my mid-20's this week! I feel SO OLD! Kids that I babysat when I was in college are starting to drive! That's so crazy. I'm not suppossed to be this old. I love y'all!


Thursday, September 22, 2005
off topic tonight Current mood: sad
Sometimes, I just feel totally invisible. Like no one that I love can even see me. I feel like no matter what I do, it's like I'm the little worker bee who's making everything happen and no one's even paying attention to the fact that I need water and a second to sit down and rest so I can keep going. I don't usually mind the running around, but it'd be nice to be at least acknowledged every now and then instead of stepped over and or ignored.


Friday, September 16, 2005
the right fit Current mood: tired
I don't even know where to begin this thought, except to say that you can't be with someone who doesn't share the same basic beliefs that you have. Even people that you love can sometimes be way off the mark in their views in light of what Scripture says about any given subject. Girls, you especially have to be careful, because a man can't lead you in a relationship if you don't believe the same basic things, and sometimes, the things that aren't so basic matter, too. It doesn't matter how good looking he is or how much money is in his bank account, it doesn't matter where he lives or what kind of car he drives. What does matter, is that he is living by faith to be a man of God and to do what is right by definition of what God's word says is right. So, if no one in your life is striving for that standard, then you are to just be single. Don't settle for something that will leave you heartbroken later in life because if you don't believe the same way, then it will be hard for you to live in unity and to make decisions together.


Tuesday, September 13, 2005
sometimes there's just no point in asking why Current mood: disappointed
So, in the last couple days, I thought I was finally gonna be able to be totally fair to this wonderful guy in my life. I mean, I knew we'd been back and forth and all, but I'd started seeing him more and talking to him more and things seemed to be headed in the right direction. Then out of the middle of nowhere, I'm informed that he's seeing somebody! I mean, he's like the nicest guy I know and I ..., well, I don't know, I guess I'd just gotten my hopes up like I always do and I got let down, again. I mean, I didn't think I could feel like that anyway about anybody except this one certain person in my life, so I was a little surprised when I felt my heart sink and I started to cry! I guess I'm just gonna be lonely.


Wednesday, September 07, 2005
just asking Current mood: determined
have you ever missed someone that you're around all the time? or felt lonely when you were surrounded by people? Do you ever wonder if your heart is the only one that aches the way it does? It hurts so much to love somebody sometimes. It hurts the most when you have to stand by and watch someone you love make huge mistakes, or play with fire, or do things that will end up hurting them, especially when you know deep down that when the fire gets too hot or they do end up hurt, you'll be the one that has to help them get back up again. You wonder how you'll be able to love them without saying, " I tried to tell you to stay away from...........". I just don't understand the emotions I go through sometimes. Thank God that He's taught me not to live by my emotions or make decisions based on them. But that doesn't mean that they're any less confusing!



Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Certainty
So, here I am again. I'm going to try to do better about posting these things a little more regularly. I've really been struggling the last few months. I've had to make some tough , life changing decisions. Unfortunately, I've not gotten the kind of support I thought I would have from some sources. That's been tough on me, too. However, I do have to say a few things.
1. God is good, all the time!
2. My family is wonderful!
3. I love the fact that God provides for His children, no matter where they go.
4. I've never been more at peace with my family, maybe even with myself.
5. I never cease to be amazed at the power, and glory of Christ in His Church!
6. Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!
(A wonderful friend sent me this in the mail today with a note of encouragement, I wanted to share it with you, too!)
Count is a joy, Dear One, when life gets hard. God is doing something huge! He is also proving that you are NOT a fake. Be brave, Mighty Warrior, Your God is with you! When waves are crashing, stand to your feet, throw your head back, and feel the wind of the Spirit! God is painting a masterpiece with multi-colored trials. Go forth and display Divine Special Effects, to the GREAT GLORY OF GOD! You Can Do It!
All to the praise of His Glorious Grace! Amen!
I am so thankful that God uses seasons in our lives to do amazing things with us. I have come to the end of one season and dashed headlong into another. Thank God for his goodness and His grace! Pray that I will use the gifts God has given me to serve Him in every way He intends!
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Friday, May 18, 2007
it was me Current mood: awake Category: Life
so anyway. I know, I know. I haven't blogged in MONTHS!!!, but here I am again. My life is changing rapidly and so far so good. I'm still in Spartanburg with my family and not even really considering a move anymore. I can be legendary right here in the upstate (thanks for trying though Miss Crystal!) I think I already told everybody my niece was born WAY back in January, BUT...she's wonderful. She's the prettiest little thing I've ever seen. I can just sit and look at her for hours on end. Unfortunately, she usually doesn't allow that. She must be rocked to sleep or I must make faces at her or chase her "suckie" or catch her "spit". It's wonderful. I can't wait til she's big enough for me to SPOIL ROTTEN! There is a certain someone in my life, but for now, I'll have to keep the details to myself...at least until we decide whether or not to make a go of it. Mainly, I am trying to be content in my job, to be committed to spending time reading God's word (something I all too often "forget" to do), build relationships with the people that are closest to me, love on those around me, and keep up with the pace that being single so often hands me. It sometimes seems that because I don't have a husband and children and a home to attend to, that EVERYONE seems to think I have NOTHING to do and so I end up working at my full time job and being involved in any and everything that anyone else can think up for me to do. I have to learn to say NO to some things and to take good care of myself so I'll be fit to care for a husband and a home one day. Well, the minutes on the clock are ticking away and I need to get some sleep before a busy day of running around to get things done tomorrow. Goodnite!
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Thursday, August 24, 2006
and sometimes you wish the road would take you back...
I know it's been a while since I've posted anything worth reading. And this might not be worth reading anyway, but I'm gonna say all this, because nobody seems to be listening anyway.
Do you ever feel like you're completely alone in the universe? I mean, people come and go in your life every day and maybe you even live in the house with some folks, but nobody really knows you, really listens to you, really even cares about how they make you feel? Lately, I've felt that way. And most of the time, I know it's not really true, but it doesn't change the fact that i feel that way.
I just feel like sometimes I'm being run over. I don't really think I'm that hard to get along with, though maybe I am and nobody will tell me. All I really want is a little respect from the people who claim to love and care about me. A little thoughtfulness about how I may feel about things. A little sensitivity to the fact that I'm a real person and that I really might be a little sensitive to some things. I don't want to always be the one everybody's laughing at. I want somebody to listen and take me seriously for 5 minutes one day. I want the people who say they love me, to treat me that way and pretend for one second that they know I have feelings and that it's not ok to be rude to me.
Some of you know what this is about. Some of you don't. It doesn't matter either way. Be nice to the people you love. Think about somebody else's feelings before you act on whatever yours might be. If you don't, you really might lose a real friend.
And if you can't be nice to them, don't tell them you love them.

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Tuesday, July 04, 2006
on becoming more like Christ
I'm here again. I promised some of you that I'd share some of the things that my pastor has been teaching on Sunday nights. We're in the middle of a study on pride and for the last several weeks we've been looking at the manifestations of pride in our lives...or the ways that pride sometimes shows up in us. Even sometimes when we think we aren't prideful, God shows us that we really are. All of us are selfish by our very nature and we have to work to make changes to be any different. Thank God that He does sanctify us even though it hurts!
Manifestations of Pride
-Complaining against or passing judgement on God
-Lack of Gratitude In General
-Anger (blowing up or clamming up)
-Seeing Yourself as Better than Others (being impatient or having a low tolerance for others)
-Having an Inflated view of your Importance, Gifts, and Abilities (see I Corinthians 4:7)
-Being focused on your Lack of Gifts and Abilities (see I Corinthians 12:14 to the end of the chapter)
-Perfectionism
-Talking too much
-Talking too much about ourselves
-Seeking Independence or Control
-Being Consumed with What Others Think
-Being Angry or Devastated when Enduring Criticism
-Being Unteachable
-Being Sarcastic (Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification, according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 5:4)
-A Lack of Service (Not thinking of others, not wanting to serve if you aren't recognized) see Galatians 5:13
-Lack of Compassion or Not Being Merciful (see Matthew 9:13) Colossians 3:12 & 13
- Being Defensive or Blameshifting
-Lack of Admitting when You are Wrong
-Lack of Asking for Forgiveness

There's so much to every one of these, but there's no way I could discuss them all in detail here. I just wanted to give you a starting ground since I promised I would share with you some of this.
I'm very thankful for a pastor who diligently studies and is faithful to teach the truth in God's word. We're very blessed to have him.
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Sunday, July 02, 2006
more reflections
So, I'm here again, with more of the same I think. It seems like the less I want to do something, the more God sets it in front of me and shows me that I have to do it whether I want to or not.
I know I'm not the only one who struggles, but sometimes, I just want to crawl in bed and pull up the covers and never come out. I want to hit the rewind button and go back 6 or 7 years and just never even meet certain people because I somehow think that my life would be better or be different somehow. Even though I know that because God is sovereign that there is nothing I could change even if I could go back.


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Saturday, July 01, 2006
reflections
I guess it's time that I say something else, even though what I have to say might not be what any of you want to hear...or I may even be repeating myself. I guess sometimes I just feel like I love to the point that I can not love anymore, even though I know that I will go on loving just as I have before and probably even more. I remember that Christ loved me to the point that he gave up His own life to save me from the misery of my own sin. Something that He did not have to do. That's the ultimate definition of what love is though isn't it? That we give of ourselves even unto our own suffering if it is for the good of the one that we love.
Is it ok to love that much? Is it ok to love unconditionally? Do you continue to go against what everyone tells you to do and love whether you are loved in return or not? Do you continue to love even when it feels like it goes totally unnoticed or unappreciated or even unacknowledged? I say you do. I say that that is when the love you have is the purest. When you love knowing that there will be no return and your heart breaks in the knowing and you do it anyway, that is real love.
Someone asked me today how they were suppossed to go on loving someone when they felt unloved. My answer was this: If we truly love, then we put the other person first before ourselves. That taken to it's extreme is that we love without condition. We move aside to be sure that the needs and wants and desires of the other person are met before our own. Ideally, the one we love would do the same for us, but that's not always how it happens. It can wear us thin and cause us to feel that we may not be able to love any more at all. It is then that we must find our strength, our peace, and our comfort solely in Christ. He already has loved us unconditionally and given up His life for us. We can not say that we are not loved if we are a child of God's. Sometimes our feelings will tell us otherwise, but our rest must be in the truth that God gives.
We can go on. We can love. We can love unconditionally. We can always put someone else first. God's grace if sufficient for us and will sustain us.
My flesh is weak and my feelings say that I can not go on, but God's truth is that His strength is made perfect in my very weakness. My strength to go on is in Him alone.


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Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Memphis
Yeah, so, I know it's been a long time since I posted anything here, but I kindafigured that since I won't be here for several days, I would go ahead and say something. We're leaving for Memphis Saturday morning......I'm not sure what else I Can say about that really. I have a ton of stuff to do before weleave, but I guess all in all, I am ready to go. We'll talk more about this later.
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Friday, May 26, 2006
uh...ok
Here I am again. I have that same old feeling that I've had time and time again when things didn't go the way I wanted them to or the way I thought they should. It always amazes me what brings on that emotion. I can't even describe it. It's like this dissappointment that's sharp like a knife but dull, too. It leaves you without expression and without words. Perhaps it's recognizable as "moping". But, alas, God is sovereign and though we may plan to do things one way, His will will reign.
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Thursday, May 25, 2006
CORRECTIONS
I am SO sorry! I seem to have confused a few of you! My lil niece or nephew is due January 8, 2007, NOT 2006! I can't WAIT!
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Wednesday, May 24, 2006
the BABY
I just wanted to tell the whole world that I am an Aunt-to-be. I'm so excited! My sister is pregnant. She's 7 weeks and 2 days today! Baby is due January 8, 2006. I'm sure I will have thought up a gazillion ways to spoil my little niece or nephew by then! If anyone has suggestions for an Aunt-to-be, they're welcome! I'm totally new at this one! Love Y'all!!
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Wednesday, February 27, 2008
surgery...and other cuts in life
Ok...so...I'm down one organ since I last posted here. Surgery was pretty uneventful...it made me pretty sleepy for several days. I attempted going back to work on Monday...but was told I must not come back to work and must leave and stay away for a week. Now, I have an appointment to visit with the doctor tomorrow....not quite a week, but close enough I guess. We'll see how this goes. Thanks to those of you who called to check on me over the last several days. Much love to you all!
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Sunday, February 17, 2008
A Better Outlook on Things for Sure
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but no abandoned; strcuk down but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9
I suppose in light of that...I have no need to complain....
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dumb ideas....
is it just me...or will ridiculous amounts of coffee &/OR espresso really hurt your stomach???? i wish my tummy didn't hurt so bad. i don't think i'll be able to drink coffee for a while.

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Saturday, February 16, 2008
Life in General
Does it ever seem like nothing is clear until you're looking back on it...especially after a long while has passed? I mean like...you don't see faults in people until the end of a relationship, you don't understand bizarre behavior until the truth is revealed, you don't understand ulterior motives until they're accomplished.
Do you ever think....this seems exactly like that? I mean like...(remember the one about breaking up with a friend???) it's back there in the blog archives...go look for it. You remember. The fella who wanted to be my friend...only my friend...but I wasn't allowed to vent about issues with other men in my life???? Only this time, it's the reverse. I'm the friend who doesn't want to hear about the other women. Human nature I suppose....no excuse....but no doubt one cause for such behavior! My apologies for behaving like a bafoon.
Did I mention that caffeine after 2 p.m. will keep me up half the night and into the morning...and I..( like a really smart cookie...) ordered triple espresso shots in my latte at 9 p.m.
Is there a description for the sensation when one experiences jealousy, fear, loneliness, depression, heartbreak, etc. ???
Did I ask too many questions? Did you mind answering? If I want to know more will you tell me?
Thanks for listening and being understanding and for being sensitive to my quirkiness.


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Friday, February 15, 2008
The Way I Feel Current mood: heartbroken Category: heartbroken Life
Hello again. Sometimes I wonder if anybody actually reads what I put on here, but then again it doesn't really matter because it does me good to get it out anyway. Tonight...I feel like crap...no, I'm not sick or anything like that, I'm just disappointed and somewhat heartbroken. Where are all the good men? I mean the ones that don't want to tell me that they're interested in this woman or that woman, but who want to love me and hang with me and have fun with me. I hate being the one that provides all the support with none of the committment. It seems like this happens to me all too often. Is it my own fault? Do I just attract the kind of people who feel the need to use other people?? ARGHHH. I'm so irritated. I feel like that old country song..............................I've been Cheated....BEEN MISTREATED....WHEN WILL I BE LOVED???
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Monday, October 08, 2007
the way you feel Category: Romance and Relationships
These are lyrics to a song I heard today...they are NOT my own. They speak volumes to what I've been through...and I put them here to help a friend.
Winner At A Losing Game(Gray Levox, Jay Demarcus, Joe Don Rooney)
Baby, look here at meHave you ever seen me this wayI've been fumblin' for wordsthrough the tears and the hurt and the painI'm gonna lay it all outon the line tonightand i think that it's timeto tell this uphill fight goodbye
have you ever had to love someonethat just don't feel the sametryin to make somebody care for youthe way I dois like tryin to catch the rainand if love is really foreveri'm a winner at a losin' game
I know that baby, you triedto find me somewhere inside of youbut you know you can't liegirl, you can't hide the truthsometimes two hearts just can't dance to the same beatso i'll pack up my thingsand i'll take what remains of me
have you ever had to love someonethat just don't feel the sametryin to make somebody care for youthe way i dois like tryin to catch the rainand if love is really foreveri'm a winner at a losing game
i know that i'll never be the man that you need or loveyeah baby, it's killin me to stand here and seei'm not waht you've been dreamin' of
have you ever had to love someonethat just don't feel the sametryin to make somebody care for youthe way i dois like trying to catch the rainand if love is really foreveri'm a winner at a losing game
oh oh if love is really foreveri'm a winner at a losin' gameooo i'm tired of losingoh, oh, oh

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Sunday, September 16, 2007
reality
is this really happening to me? is this real? is this universe a dream? will i wake up tomorrow and never hear from you again? do you really want to invest your time in me? i suppose that only time will tell the truth.
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Friday, July 06, 2007
Before the Throne of God Above
(Please note that this is not an original "Kari" thought, but the lyrics to a song that draw me into worship of my God and my Savior!)
Before the throne of God above I have a strong, a perfect plea, A great High Priest whose name is "Love," who ever lives and pleads for me. My name is graven on His hands, my name is written on His heart; I know that while in heaven He stands no tongue can bid me thence depart, no tongue can bid me then depart.
When Satan tempts me to despair, and tells me of the guilt within, Upward I look and see Him there who made an end to all my sin. Because the sinless Savior died, my sinful soul is counted free; For God, the Just is satisfied to look on HIm and pardon me, to look on Him and pardon me.
Behold Him there! The risen Lamb, my perfect, spotless Righteousness; The great unchangeable I AM, the King of glory and of grace! One with Himself I cannot die, my soul is purchased with His blood; My life is hid with Christ on high, with Christ, my Savior and my God, with Christ, my Savior and my God.
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What Really Counts
(Please note that MUCH of this blog is song lyrics and they are NOT original, but borrowed, so I can say what I really want to say here.)
The last several months have brought many changes in my life. I'm sticking closer to home than I have in 7 or 8 years. I'm closer to my family than I've been in that many years as well. Much of the knowledge and wisdom that has been poured into me over the last several years has been put to use and more is being required of me both spiritually and emotionally than has been in a long long time. I've been reminded of who I am in Christ and what is expected of me as His Child!
Cry Holy
I've come this far by light of day, through deserts of loneliness to this sacred place. And You know my life and all I've been through, the sin in my heart has kept me from You. But Father, Your grace is greater than sin, Your mercy rains down and heals me again.
All I can do is fall down on my knees and cry, HOLY! Holy! Holy! All I can do is fall down on my knees and cry, HOLY! Holy!
When I'm on my face in my darkest night, I cry for a way to Your shining light. And Father, Your grace is greater than sin, Your mercy rains down, it heals me again.
All I can do is fall down on my knees and cry, HOLY! Holy! Holy! All I can do is fall down on my knees and cry, HOLY! Holy!
Father, Your grace is greater than sin. It falls down on me, and heals me again. OH!
All I can do is fall down on my knees. All I can do is fall down on my knees and cry, HOLY! Holy! All I can do is fall down on my knees and cry, HOLY! Holy! You are HOLY! Holy! All I can do is fall down on my knees and cry, HOLY!
All I can do is cry out to You. HOLY!

In all of the trials I have faced I have had to realize that all I could do was cry out to a Holy God for strength, for Grace, and for Healing! If I learned anything I learned this: I do not live for man. I do not live to please man. If my motive for anything I do is to please anyone other than God, then my action is sinful. I live for a Holy God! My motive for every action should be to please HIM ALONE! There are many times when living to be pleasing to God will not be pleasing to men, even men who are trying to live to be pleasing to God. I learned that I am full of self when I should be full of Christ. I have been reminded that God called me to serve HIM! I have been reminded that I am free in Christ! I have learned that living to LOVE THE LORD, no matter the cost, is the only way to find any real satisfaction!
I serve a real and living Holy God!
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Thursday, June 28, 2007
feeling helpless when i want to fix everything Current mood: melancholy Category: crying Friends
i read the words...they weren't much...but i know that when i don't talk to you something is wrong, you hide it from me until it's all over....but i read the words...the few words you left in your cry for help. i wept. tears rolled on my cheeks for an hour and i had no control over them. it scares me to know where you've been.it scares me to know that you have to reach for help when you reach your lows. i can barely say these things for the burning in my eyes and the lump in my chest. i want to come beside you and wrap you in my arms and give you everything you need to make it all go away. i wish i could do that. i wish i had it in my arsenal of things to help to make everything alright for you. you are a shining star in my life. you are dependable. you come every time i call. you listen every time i need you. you don't leave me even when i'm ridiculous. you have compassion for the ones you love that hurt and have no hope. i've never known you to look down at anybody. you befriend those that no one else will come near. you genuinely love them without selfish motives. you've stood with me on some of the hardest days of my life and i feel helpless to help you right now, tonight. i've been in a place where i thought staying in my bed was the answer to all my problems. it took me a long time and a lot of lessons to know it wasn't. you were my friend even through that. knowing that you hurt is a dark place for me. i wish i could take away every thing that brings you pain and replace it with things that make you happy. .....i wish i knew what...how...i wish i could take the pain for you. i love you.
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Wednesday, September 10, 2008
just thinking again
I am moving to Charleston in 11 days. I am excited and scared all at once. I'm trying to figure out what to throw out, what to pack up, and what to take along with me.
Mama wants my room. It's sort of wierd. At first it seemed like she just didn't even want to talk about the fact that I was going anywhere at all. Then tonight it was like...yeah, I want to do something with your room.
I mean, I've known for a long time it was time to go, but the time was never right. So, now, I'm leaping. I have no idea what the future holds for me in Charleston. I know it's where I want to be and I know that I've got a way to get started there and I'm going.
There are things happenning in relationships in my life right now that I don't understand at all. I can't begin to explain them. It covers everything from real love and a broken heart to people who just need to grow up and focus on getting their own lives in order instead of worrying about mine. No one knows the whole picture of what's going on in my life and no one ever will. I love hard and I'm loyal and as a result, I am often found alone, sad, perhaps even crying and licking my wounds.
The next few weeks are going to be jam packed for me as I try to pack things up and clean things out and get things together for this move. I'll try to stay updated here.
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Thursday, September 04, 2008
todays musings
I gave my two weeks notice today.
I'm looking for a place to live in Charleston.
I have a big pile of stuff I have to sift through before my two weeks is up.
I have a sunburn from playing on Sullivan's Island on Monday.
I'm super excited and super anxious about the future!
I'm believing that God laid out the plan before the foundation of the world and that nothing surprises him.
I'm believing that God has the power to change lives.
I'm bewildered by people who assume they know things, when really, they are the ones who "don't know the half of it" !
I'm confused by people who always need a "leg up" on the world.
I'm seeing my goals come closer and closer one step at a time.
I am hoping for a good end to the week.
I am hoping for safety for a friend.
I am hoping for miracles all the way around.
I am loving the best way I know how.
I am deciding whether this argument is even worth having.
I am knowing that the resolution to this problem is not going to come easy.
I am knowing that in this particular situation, my heels are dug in, my sights are set, and I will stay the course until the battle is over.
I am writing and reviewing resumes and job applications in my sleep.
I am ready for whatever is coming my way!
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Saturday, August 30, 2008
waiting on time
I'm listening to Ronnie Milsap and checking email in the middle of the afternoon on the last real Saturday of the summer. I'm going to be 27 in 6 weeks. Sometimes I wonder what on earth is happenning in my life. I've never wondered that more than I have in the last several weeks. If anybody else knows, can you let me in on the secret???
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Monday, August 25, 2008
Life... Current mood: hopeful
I will not turn away from you. I will love you unconditionally. When you are hungry, I will prepare you a meal.When you are thirsty, I will pour you a drink. When you are tired and weary , I will give you my bed. When you need refuge, you can come to my house. When you need to cry, you can cry on my shoulder. When you are laughing, I will laugh with you. When you think you can't carry on, I will hold your hand and stand beside you and carry on for you if I must. I will defend you when you can't defend yourself. I will go for help when you need it. I will drive you home when you're intoxicated. I will wait patiently for you even when I don't know where you are. I will forgive you when you mess everything up. I will answer when you call me at 3:44 in the morning because you can't sleep and I promise not to be mad about it in the morning. I will pray for you as often as I can remember. I will not listen to anyone say anything negative about you, whether it is true or false. I believe that God has a purpose for your life and I believe that right now is when you begin reaching for your potential. I will fight for you.
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Friday, July 25, 2008


Ridiculous Ponderings
I sometimes wonder if I'm really a tortured and lonely soul and no one has noticed.
I often think I might be seriously depressed, but then I feel really really happy for a while and forget about it.
I'd rather be alone or with one person than in a group of people.
There are only 2 or 3 people in my life that I think really understand me.
I can't stand it when I'm talking to someone about something and they either don't respond or act as if they didn't hear a word I said.
Loud children make me very nervous.
If I'm going to be around Loud Children, I need to be the only authority figure in the room because other adults either shout at them (which makes me even more nervous) or they do nothing and the children just get louder.
I get headaches when I'm stressed.
I am stressed a lot.
I'm scared about moving to Charleston, but I believe that it will ultimately be the best thing I could have ever done for myself.
My family makes me feel like my desire to return to school and move to a new city is incredibly selfish.
I often feel that I have no support group in my life.
My family is comprised completely of couples and other various family units. Most of them met their significant others in high school. None of them have ever lived as single adults. I try to remember this when they (I'm sure it's inadvertently) make me feel Selfish because I don't want to rot away as an old maid in my parents house waiting for a knight in shining armour to validate my very existence. Instead, I will move to Charleston. I will finish my degree. I will make food that will be legendary. I may marry. I may not. I will love wildly and without restraint. I will move in circles that I don't even know exist yet. I will drink cocktails on rooftops at midnight to celebrate things I don't even know will happen yet. I will spend hospitality so generously that people will think the Old South has truly returned.
I will send Loud Children home with their mothers at night and snuggle myself warmly in a house where I hear only the hum of fans and the breathe of a lover and friend.
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Ridiculous Ponderings
I sometimes wonder if I'm really a tortured and lonely soul and no one has noticed.
I often think I might be seriously depressed, but then I feel really really happy for a while and forget about it.
I'd rather be alone or with one person than in a group of people.
There are only 2 or 3 people in my life that I think really understand me.
I can't stand it when I'm talking to someone about something and they either don't respond or act as if they didn't hear a word I said.
Loud children make me very nervous.
If I'm going to be around Loud Children, I need to be the only authority figure in the room because other adults either shout at them (which makes me even more nervous) or they do nothing and the children just get louder.
I get headaches when I'm stressed.
I am stressed a lot.
I'm scared about moving to Charleston, but I believe that it will ultimately be the best thing I could have ever done for myself.
My family makes me feel like my desire to return to school and move to a new city is incredibly selfish.
I often feel that I have no support group in my life.
My family is comprised completely of couples and other various family units. Most of them met their significant others in high school. None of them have ever lived as single adults. I try to remember this when they (I'm sure it's inadvertently) make me feel Selfish because I don't want to rot away as an old maid in my parents house waiting for a knight in shining armour to validate my very existence. Instead, I will move to Charleston. I will finish my degree. I will make food that will be legendary. I may marry. I may not. I will love wildly and without restraint. I will move in circles that I don't even know exist yet. I will drink cocktails on rooftops at midnight to celebrate things I don't even know will happen yet. I will spend hospitality so generously that people will think the Old South has truly returned.
I will send Loud Children home with their mothers at night and snuggle myself warmly in a house where I hear only the hum of fans and the breathe of a lover and friend.
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Friday, May 30, 2008
Standing Alone
...sitting alone....traveling alone...going to movies alone...eating dinner alone...sleeping alone....planning life....alone
You kind of see where this could be going?
I just want to say that I'm slightly irritated and little bit sad. I'm going out of town this weekend....ALONE. Now, if I were...say...19...I might could see why everyone around me thinks that this is a horrible idea. I can even understand my mother's concern that it could be dangerous.(Although...if you're a smart traveler, it's no more dangerous to travel alone than with others. No one has to ever know you're traveling alone.)
My biggest PEEVE with this:
Those who think it's so bad for me to travel alone are people who have never lived a moment of their lives as a SINGLE ADULT. My mother married at 18...1 month after she graduated high school. She dated my Dad throughout high school and then married him. I think that's wonderful. But tonight...I had to look at her and say something in my own defense and I felt like I was being rude, but that if I didn't say it, she would just think I was being irresponsible.
She started to pitch her little fit(these aren't REALLY fits, but I certainly feel like I have to be on the defensive when she gets into this mode) about me going out of town and I cut her off. I told her she had no idea what it was like to be a single adult and that I was not putting my life on hold to wait until someone decided they wanted to live it with me.
I get it that some people don't know what it's like to be single and be able to function. Guess what? If you've never been dependent on someone else to plan around, it's not that hard. I would love to have a special somebody....no....let me take that back....I would love to have a husband so that I don't have to take my vacations alone or make plans alone or go to movies alone. But, that's not where I am in life right now. Does that mean I have to miss out on everything that's fun??? I don't think so.
I'm not saying that I don't have friends I can do things with. I do...and I can. But, no one's social life is dependent on mine and mine isn't dependent on anyone else's at this point in my life. I make plans and if I'm the only one that wants to participate, then I go on and do it anyway.
I can't begin to tell you what I would have missed in my life if I had been too afraid to face it alone.
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Saturday, May 17, 2008
Intelligence and It’s Power
I found myself in a conversation tonight with a young lady who seems to think she is too mature to learn from anyone else. Of course, those weren't the exact words that she used, but that is a conclusion easily drawn from her statements.
That's not really what this is about though. I have asked her direct questions and she has lied to my face. If she doesn't answer with a lie or an incredibly vague answer, she doesn't answer at all. She just acts like you didn't ask the question. That's exactly what happenned tonight. She made some remark about not wanting to be involved with a group of people in a teaching/learning environment because they(we) are on a "lower mental level" than she is. When the comment was probed, there was no response, no acknowledgement that anything was even asked.
I was highly offended by her comment. I suppose that she believes that if she can lie to me and be as vague as possible when asked a direct question, that I must be too stupid to see through her painted face and concocted schemes.
I don't have a clue what she thinks she will accomplish through being secretive and deceitful. I'm not sure I want to know. I do know that I won't tolerate deceitfulness.
I don't mean to be on a soap box, but this is really just very ridiculous.
Tell the truth.There is no need to lie. You will be found out. If the truth won't get you what you want, you don't need what you're after anyway. And, if you do lie, you will be caught eventually, and then it won't matter what you wanted, because you will be known as a liar and it will ruin you.
I just want people to use a little common sense sometimes. (OH, wait, one must be somewhat intelligent to have common sense!)
I have no doubt that I am an intelligent person. I haven't seen evidence that anyone in this particular group is anything less than intelligent. I am not fooled. I see through her.
She has commented to me before about how she had to grow up and stand on her own two feet and how that helped her to mature. Her comments tonight referred to her own maturity. Unfortunately, if you have to crow about how mature you are, you're probably more IMMATURE than you realize.
I am not trying to be cruel or to embarass or yell at anybody. I just want to make it clear that I know from experience that you don't know everything at 18...and you might not even know enough to be telling other how to do things.
Take the time to sit under someone's teaching who IS more mature than you are and learn before you jump in with both feet.
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Monday, April 21, 2008
that’s me in the corner...
i stood in the corner tonight and watched an old dream
i watched my dream love another woman
i watched my dream like i wasn't even there
i watched my dream with pity
i watched my dream in wonder that i couldn't muster jealousy
i stood in the corner tonight and dreamed
i dreamed a new dream
i watched him walk toward me
i dreamed a new dream
i heard him say my name
i felt him take my hand
i stepped out of the corner
i saw my dream wasn't really a dream
i followed him home
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Friday, April 04, 2008
hits and misses
I think I signed up to see Mary Kay today......will keep you posted on how that’s working out for me

thinking of going to culinary school...

i’m ready for vacation....

i want to write a book....

my current job.........been there nearly 5 years....some days i love it, some days i hate it...some days....well....yeah

ENCHANTED....everyone should see it

my wish is for.....................................
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are you still reading?

some day...when i’m awfully low....and the world is cold....i will feel a glow....just thinking of you....and the way you look....tonight

wonder whatever happenned to brandon

What's Coming Next

If anyone is following this blog...you're about to see some craziness on this page. I'm going to attempt to cut and paste my previous blogs to this page so they'll all be in one place and I won't have to search for where I posted what. Some of these will be as much as two years old, so i they sound like old news...please accept my apologies in advance. Thanks for reading! Kari

Saying only what needs to be said

Sometimes I forget that I don't always need to talk to somebody about what I am dealing with in my life.There are some things, some people, some topics, some situations that I ought to keep between me and the Lord.
There are times when I hurt so bad tht I forget that telling other people about my pain will only make matters worse.
I am in the middle of that kind of situation right now. There is a person I love deeply whose life is in shambles at the moment. They are at an ultimate low. They are emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, and financially exhausted. Much of this destruction has been at their own hands, but the time has come to pay the piper for playing the music.
For reasons beyond my comprehension, I am in the middle of all of this. My friend has opened up and shared all of this with me and I feel responsible to offer help. I don't know what kind of help to offer.
I am in so much turmoil over this person I don't even know where to turn. I hurt for my friend. I hurt because I see the pain they are in and I have no idea how to help them. I have no idea how to give them comfort and hope for facing a new day.
If any of you reading this know how to pray. Pray for me and pray harder for my friend. The situation we face will only be changed at the hands of our merciful, mighty, loving, and Almighty God.